The unconscious mind is a wellspring of mystery. But here again we receive vestiges of what lies beneath the surface. I remain a survivor of long-term sexual abuse as well as child trafficking. Consequently, I go about suppressing the memories and trauma of things past. Hospitalizations, psychotherapy, medications, church, with electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) together assist in my recovery process. Nevertheless, at times, one is at a hard-won battle to control those survival impulses.That’s the nature of the beast.
Many years ago, I made a routine appointment for an eye exam. Anything but unusual. The kind doctor politely led me to the chair and set about the exam. So far, So good, right? He was a striking gentlemen of antiquity
with silvery hair, and soothing blue eyes. Should I ever hold the opportunity to have a grandfather, this would remain an ideal candidate.
There and then, the lights are dimmed and the examination commences. Within the darkness, this man draws close in proximity to my personal space. His form and face were on the brink of my body. I could feel his warm coffee breath. The height of his cologne veiled me. Empty of provocation and fast as lightning, both of my hands encircled his neck. My unconscious strangling reflex startled us both. He jumped back and set his gaze upon me, for what seemed an eternity.
Agonies of abasement, dread, shame and inward ire, consumed my spirit. I fell to tears. What may come of this? This instance being defined as a reckoning of anxiety. Amid a gracious and professional manner, his words conveyed that he came to be subjected to this combative reflex on numerous occasions. He dispels the notion that the variant of patients with this inclination, were primarily combat soldiers, abused children, P.O.W’s and prisoners. His serene composure ended my fears as he finished the exam.